Saturday, May 14, 2011

What, are you going to light me on fire?

Update: this is a repost of something I wrote on Wednesday that Blogger has decided to not restore, so this will differ from the original post by having some updated content due to recent events.  Enjoy.

So, I forgot to mention yesterday what transpired on my last day of my old job.  When I arrived at work the boss wanted to have a word with me.  He pulled me aside and lectured me about our attendance policy (which is abnormally strict) and wanted me to sign a written reprimand.

Now, I should probably give you some background here.  We worked on a point system.  One point for being up to five minutes late, two points for being over twenty minutes late, or two for calling in.  You are suspended after getting five points and terminated after six.  Or, that's how it's supposed to go.  I have multiple coworkers that have racked up dozens of points (yes we counted 'em), and they have never so much as seen a minute of suspension.

Now, I pride myself on being a model employee, and if I'm late, it has to be due to forces beyond my control.  A history of my attendance, during my nearly one and a half years of employment with these people, would be as follows:  I was late once due to being pulled over for questionable reasons, late again due to a traffic accident, and another time I had to call in due to feeling very ill.  I was in fact late once due to my own fault and I freely admit so.  In total I had accumulated roughly seven points.

So, my boss takes me aside after I clock in that morning and begins giving me a lecture about how I seem to have an attendance problem and that he's tired of me 'racking up points'.  I was a bit angered and yet uncaring at the same time so, I proceeded in just mocking him by doing an impression of him.  He got a little agitated by this and began to yell, saying, "Do you want to get suspended?!"
I responded by sticking my tongue out and making the associated noise.
"I'm not joking, and you don't seem do be taking this seriously."
I respond as lackadaisical as I can, "Whatever"
He then tells me to sign a written warning.  I just grabbed the paper and scribbled haphazardly over it and handed it back, he looks at me with disgust.  I then told him to go suck a lemon.

After all this transpires, it suddenly hit me that he must not have been told that I was leaving.  I immediately come up with a plan to exact a minor revenge.  I decide to turn off my phone, and have another friend of mine just tell everyone that I died in a car accident a day or so later.  The plan unfolds without a hitch.

So, Friday rolls around and I go ahead and show up as the checks are being passed around.  As I approach my boss surrounded by my coworkers, I hear a cascading chorus of "what the hell".  My boss immediately gives me crap for not being there and threatens to hold my check from me.  I respond by reminding him I always carry multiple knives on me, and that it would be a disappointing choice.  I get my check, he still questions what's going on, so I clarify by slapping my security badge on the desk in front of him, and walking away without saying a word.

What a great week. 

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