What is respect? ...and when is it not?
I love stopping by Erin's blog regularly, as she is an intelligent, headstrong, and interesting person, who seems to produce entertaining, informative, and/or thought provoking posts on a regular basis (so already she's a much better blogger than I). She recently posted about about a decorated Navy SEAL, Kristen Beck, who recently underwent a gender change operation and also a name change to reflect that change (he was formerly Christopher Beck). The primary point in her article, is that people who refuse to call him by his new name or treat him with contempt are inconsiderate, insensitive, rude jerks. It should be painfully obvious to anyone that she is 110% right on that front.
I am also a firm believer in being respectful towards other people regardless of race, gender, background, nationality, etc. However, (and here's where my horrible opinionated self comes out) she also made a point about respecting his "new gender" by referencing him with female nomenclature (such as she, her, Ms., etc.), which is where I take issue. My definition of respect doesn't involve extending it to a point beyond respecting fact and beyond respecting those who are actually of the other gender. I may not be the best at any of these, but I am a big fan of science, reason, fact and above all else, honesty.
I am of the persuasion that respect for someone else includes not fooling them. To help them, and not only treat them with kindness, but also to let them know the truth; even when it may be hard or difficult to accept. For example, say you had a friend who always wanted to be a rocket scientist. One day they announce to you that they suddenly have achieved their dream. Excited for them, you ask to see their degree or where they're working. They get defensive an say, "Hey, I have the glasses, the lab coat and the security badge! Why are you being so rude?" Soon, they show you their credentials, only for you to see that they are obvious fakes. How would you then handle the situation? To me, it would be disrespectful or inconsiderate to not bring this point up to them.
I am of the same opinion as South Park on the subject: he doesn't have ovaries, he has no uterus, nor can he be pregnant, and he doesn't simply have inactive or defective organs of those mentioned. I am willing to respect his legal change in name, his service, and the fact that it is his life to make his choices to look however he pleases, but he is still a man. No amount of surgery or estrogen shots will ever be able to change the fact that he is not, will not, nor will ever be a woman. It is a biological and scientific fact that he simply looks like a woman after mutilating his male body. To defy fact and insist he actually is one, when you step back and look at that psychological behavior, any competent professional will tell you that that is the sign of delusional mind, or at least one in deep denial. I'm not trying to be hateful here, it's just fact.
Anyone who disrespects Kristen Beck by disregarding/dismissing his sacrifice for this country, treating him with contempt, or refusing to call him by his legal name are truly inconsiderate, rude jerks. I'll be happy to agree with that, but I will never in my right mind defy scientific and biological fact just to address him as a woman nor describe him as such just to coddle someone's feelings under the false guise of being "considerate." Is it rude? Perhaps. But if that is the case, I'd rather be rude than untruthful or irrational.
And before I end my statements, of course my being a Christian has a part in my opinion about his choices, however it is also the same part of me that agrees that no one should treat him with disrespect. I am also a firm believer that you can love and respect someone without supporting choices that you believe to be wrong.
For example, I have a gay friend, who a while back asked if I would go with him to a rally to support gay marriage. I said no. He was immediately upset and asked why I wouldn't support him. I told him that I believe it to be wrong and that it would be hypocritical for me to support something that I am opposed to. He was still upset and asked why I would feel that way, when I knew him that well, and knew that he wasn't a bad person. I asked him, have I been unkind to you? Have I not gone to events with him, made jokes with him, treated him with kindness, offered him help when in need, bought him meals, and visa-versa? I further explained to him that I don't judge him or dislike him, but that my belief will not change, because I feel it to be right, just in the same way that I don't approve of my other friends and family's drinking or smoking habits. I don't shame them, I don't treat them with contempt, I don't judge them, but I don't have to like it either. I just go on loving them.
So take what you will from my rant here, but know that I don't say it with any hate, malice, or contempt, but with a heart and mind towards honesty and truly respecting others. Hopefully that will make sense to some.
I love stopping by Erin's blog regularly, as she is an intelligent, headstrong, and interesting person, who seems to produce entertaining, informative, and/or thought provoking posts on a regular basis (so already she's a much better blogger than I). She recently posted about about a decorated Navy SEAL, Kristen Beck, who recently underwent a gender change operation and also a name change to reflect that change (he was formerly Christopher Beck). The primary point in her article, is that people who refuse to call him by his new name or treat him with contempt are inconsiderate, insensitive, rude jerks. It should be painfully obvious to anyone that she is 110% right on that front.
I am also a firm believer in being respectful towards other people regardless of race, gender, background, nationality, etc. However, (and here's where my horrible opinionated self comes out) she also made a point about respecting his "new gender" by referencing him with female nomenclature (such as she, her, Ms., etc.), which is where I take issue. My definition of respect doesn't involve extending it to a point beyond respecting fact and beyond respecting those who are actually of the other gender. I may not be the best at any of these, but I am a big fan of science, reason, fact and above all else, honesty.
I am of the persuasion that respect for someone else includes not fooling them. To help them, and not only treat them with kindness, but also to let them know the truth; even when it may be hard or difficult to accept. For example, say you had a friend who always wanted to be a rocket scientist. One day they announce to you that they suddenly have achieved their dream. Excited for them, you ask to see their degree or where they're working. They get defensive an say, "Hey, I have the glasses, the lab coat and the security badge! Why are you being so rude?" Soon, they show you their credentials, only for you to see that they are obvious fakes. How would you then handle the situation? To me, it would be disrespectful or inconsiderate to not bring this point up to them.
I am of the same opinion as South Park on the subject: he doesn't have ovaries, he has no uterus, nor can he be pregnant, and he doesn't simply have inactive or defective organs of those mentioned. I am willing to respect his legal change in name, his service, and the fact that it is his life to make his choices to look however he pleases, but he is still a man. No amount of surgery or estrogen shots will ever be able to change the fact that he is not, will not, nor will ever be a woman. It is a biological and scientific fact that he simply looks like a woman after mutilating his male body. To defy fact and insist he actually is one, when you step back and look at that psychological behavior, any competent professional will tell you that that is the sign of delusional mind, or at least one in deep denial. I'm not trying to be hateful here, it's just fact.
Anyone who disrespects Kristen Beck by disregarding/dismissing his sacrifice for this country, treating him with contempt, or refusing to call him by his legal name are truly inconsiderate, rude jerks. I'll be happy to agree with that, but I will never in my right mind defy scientific and biological fact just to address him as a woman nor describe him as such just to coddle someone's feelings under the false guise of being "considerate." Is it rude? Perhaps. But if that is the case, I'd rather be rude than untruthful or irrational.
And before I end my statements, of course my being a Christian has a part in my opinion about his choices, however it is also the same part of me that agrees that no one should treat him with disrespect. I am also a firm believer that you can love and respect someone without supporting choices that you believe to be wrong.
For example, I have a gay friend, who a while back asked if I would go with him to a rally to support gay marriage. I said no. He was immediately upset and asked why I wouldn't support him. I told him that I believe it to be wrong and that it would be hypocritical for me to support something that I am opposed to. He was still upset and asked why I would feel that way, when I knew him that well, and knew that he wasn't a bad person. I asked him, have I been unkind to you? Have I not gone to events with him, made jokes with him, treated him with kindness, offered him help when in need, bought him meals, and visa-versa? I further explained to him that I don't judge him or dislike him, but that my belief will not change, because I feel it to be right, just in the same way that I don't approve of my other friends and family's drinking or smoking habits. I don't shame them, I don't treat them with contempt, I don't judge them, but I don't have to like it either. I just go on loving them.
So take what you will from my rant here, but know that I don't say it with any hate, malice, or contempt, but with a heart and mind towards honesty and truly respecting others. Hopefully that will make sense to some.
So here's the thing.
ReplyDeleteYou're 100% entitled to your beliefs, and I support you expressing them on your blog. Go you!
And yes, you are correct that Ms. Beck is not biologically female.
My problem comes when you use this as a basis for calling her "him". I don't care what you think in your mind, or what you say in the privacy of your own home, but when you're in public -- as especially if you're ever around Ms. Beck -- you should call her "she."
Let's say your friend, Jane Doe, marries John Smith, and decides to take his name. Now she is Mrs. Jane Smith. But she wasn't born that way. Marriage, and the taking of a partner's name, is a social device to symbolize the uniting of two families. So by your rationale, here, you should continue to call her Miss Jane Doe.
Are you within your rights to do so? Absolutely. Does this make you immune from the aftereffects of breaking the social contract? Of course not. Mr & Mrs Smith, as well as their friends and family, will no doubt take a dim eye towards you and your behavior. You will be asked to cut it out. If you persist, you will be shunned and possibly excised from their social circle.
People who are lucky enough to have the gender of their brains match the gender of their bodies do not understand what a violation of the social contract it is to continue to refer to transgender people by their birth names or pronouns. How, precisely, does it harm you to refer to Ms Beck as female?
The closest analogy I can give would be if someone came up to you and said "How's it going, Caucasian?" Well, yes, you are, thanks very much, but you don't quite see how that's relevant. And instead of calling you by your name, they call you Caucasian. Or White Person. Not in any sort of racist way, just being damn clinical about it.
Would that offend you? Most likely. Is what they are saying biologically true? Yes (unless I'm greatly mistaken about heritage, in which I apologize -- this is all for illustrative purposes).
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Can you honestly tell me with a clear heart that Jesus would refer to Kristen Beck as a "he"? Or would He take compassion on a soul in pain?
This isn't about being PC. This is about basic courtesy.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, Erin. I would have replied sooner, but I had to wait till I got home from work. I thought we would more than likely disagree on the subject, and I freely admit that my opinion will likely still be thought of as inconsiderate, and is still simply my opinion.
DeleteMy point I brought up were:
1. That the terms ms, mrs, miss, madam, lady,etc. are terms in the English language applied (by definition) to women. And I cannot acknowledge him as such in a factual way, or without (in my opinion) disrespecting woman in general.
2. That those same aforementioned titles are not legally definable (unless made a part of your legal name). I suppose this notion may very well be not be courteous, but simply factual from an observer's standpoint.
3. (my own personal spiritual opinion) That I believe that mutilating the body given to you in such a manner is wrong.
Now, even if I did know Kristen personally, I would hope that he would be understanding of my position and that I mean no malice or ill thoughts towards him in any way, nor am I ignorant of the trials he has endured, and if he does take offense, he could easily kick the crap out of me faster than I could blink.
In my life, I have been the recipient of numerous descriptions and titles which are not only callously accurate, but more than a bit hurtful sometimes. However, I don't hold any of these people as inconsiderate of my feelings, on the contrary, they were simply trying to do or say what they thought was right. No matter how hurtful they may be, we shouldn't allow emotion to be the only thing to guide our actions no matter how strong the response.
And if we take the theological standpoint, you would be more than correct in assuming the Lord, (or for those not inclined towards Christendom, any merciful god for that matter) would certainly take compassion on any soul in pain.
However, assuming that this god is our creator, and is omnipotent, he would know us better than we know ourselves. This has been made manifest by many moments recorded in scripture in which good people are put through trials and challenges that seem unfair, harsh, or unnecessarily cruel at the moment, only for it to become clear at a later time that it served to better us and come closer to him. So for either one of us to assume what Jesus would address this person, would be nothing but conjecture on our part, unless revealed to us by God himself or one of his heavenly messengers.
Since I therefore lack that knowledge, I must simply rely on the earthly knowledge I have acquired thus far, which is that according to all known science (that I am familiar with), he is a man.
I freely admit that when all is said and done, it is still likely my views will not be popular in the world, perhaps inconsiderate, and it is possible I may end up being totally wrong in the end. Also, I am not a mental health professional, so in hindsight, my comment involving them is also ignorant and unjustified.
But all I'm doing is like you said, stating my position on the matter, and to also ask a question:
At what point does blunt, direct, and hate-less honesty, get trumped by courtesy? Would Kristen rather me lie and give false respect to a title I don't believe is his? I believe it would be more respectful to him to be honest than to not be trustworthy in his eyes after he eventually finds out my true feelings on the matter. Finally, to bring theology back into the equation, if I did lie and publicly accept what I thought to be wrong in my own heart, how am I not a hypocrite in the eyes of my God?
So here's what I take away from reading your reply:
DeleteYou cannot get over yourself enough to be polite to someone who has done you no harm whatsoever. You'd rather be clinically accurate than compassionate.
Okay. That's your right. I will still read your blog. But:
* I don't ever want to meet you in person;
* Don't expect me to defend you when this kind of shit gets you in trouble, or when people do to you what you're doing to Ms. Beck.
Because if you can't show proper respect to a fucking Navy SEAL who has taken a bullet for this country and has shown more bravery than you ever will, then I really can't count you among my friends. You're an acquaintance, nothing more.
I don't deny Kristen has endured far more than I am likely to ever encounter, and that sacrifice given is bravery and love of the highest order. I plan on reading that book, and I wish him nothing but the best.
DeleteI understand that my position is not likely to be popular, and that it will divide those of strong convictions, such as you and I. If I offend, don't feel obligated to read my blog.
If acceptable to you, I do plan on still reading, commenting on, and linking to your blog, as I find you to be a good blogger with a host of interesting topics to read about.